Well, I guess since this would be the first update on here I'm assuming it would be a good idea to really let you know what's happened up to this point. So, if this seems to be a bit long and drawn out that's because there has been a lot that's happened in the last 31-ish weeks.
For a lot of people, they don't know that when I actually got pregnant I was living in Elko, Nevada. I had my own apartment, I had a full time job, and life was running as smooth as I could have asked for, really. Though at the time I had found out that I would be fighting for a place to live, m boyfriend (at the time) was in jail - so I was dealing with only seeing him twice a week - and I was having some serious issues with the current roommates and my job. But on February 14th, 2009 was when everything decided to turn upside down and change forever. That was the day I found out I was pregnant and boy was it met with mixed emotions.
For about a week or so I had been thinking that I was pregnant. Though my period wasn't off or anything like that, I just didn't feel like myself. I didn't feel normal, and that's really what set me off to the idea that I might be a mom. Of course when it came out positive, I was happy. I mean, I had wanted to be a mom since high school, though I didn't really want the man that came with having a baby in high school a baby was something that I always wanted. My roommates were thrilled, too. How could they not be? Both of them loved babies, and the thought that one just might be living under their roof was an exciting idea. Too bad there were still two people that I had to tell, that I dreaded to do.
A phone call to my mom was literally heartbreaking. Here I was, their 1 year old daughter, fresh out of the home and now I was pregnant by a man they had never met before. (Not only that, but he was in jail) I couldn't lie to myself, I felt like a huge disappointment and if my parents wouldn't have talked to me for awhile, I would have understood. Though, after a couple days I asusmed that my mom was alright with everything and I started making plans to move back home. I wasn't going to have a baby in an apartment I knew wasn't going to be there after long. Then again, I still had yet to tell Chuck (the father) that we were having a baby, like I had told him about earlier.
When I did get to see him, and let him know, he was happy. (Thank God) I remember sitting in that waiting room, my heart pounding, and my stomach in knots. I mean, he'd said that he didn't mind the idea of having a baby with me but then again I didn't really know how he was going to react now that it was real. But thankfully, he was happy and so was I. I had ever reason in the world to be happy now. He was going to join me in California and we were going to start a family. Everything was going to be peaches and cream, or so I thought.
Sadly, when I got back to California I had become a different person. I had come back to the place where I had grown up, a place where I knew I could be my real self, and sadly that person was not the person that I had ever expected to be again. So once Chuck got down here things between us changed immediately. I wanted nothing to do with him, and I have no shame in admitting that now. For some reason, whether it be hormones or something else, once he got here I felt extremely detached. And because of that I pushed him away, I wanted him gone. Once I made sure to voice that fact, he wasted no time in arranging his way home.
Of course, once I realized what I had done I asked him to give me a second a chance. To let me prove that I wasn't that crazed girl, and to stay. He didn't, I didn't expect him to, but it was crushing all the same. Though not as crushing as the day I found out that not only was he going back to Elko, but he also had a girlfriend waiting for him there. I had been replaced, and I was now faced with the idea of being a single mother. That, and I now really didn't want nothing to do with Chuck for as long as I had breath left in my chest.
Though we did still talk and everything, I knew that things probably weren't going to be the same between us. I would update him on the baby, and we would fight all the time. He started partying, I started taking on my role as a mom. Though he had nothing to worry about there in Elko, I had quite the plateful going on here. I had tried to hold down a job here so that I would be able to afford some of the things my baby was going to need when he got here. And through the time I was working, Chuck and I seemed like we had worked on our relationship enough, and we found ourselves back together. Even though, the fighting continued and things started to fall downhill for me.
Come June, I was out of a job. I had been fired because the manager was my sister (something I found to be outrageious) and I no longer had a sorce of income. Chuck was still living in Nevada, and we hadn't even talked about if he would be returning to California any time soon. I had now started to see myself as a failure as a person, as a mother, and as any kind of girlfriend I could have wished to have been. There was no more life as I knew it. I was going to be an unemployed mother of one, and there was nothing that could change that fact. After all, when you walk into a place of employment 6-7 months pregnant, then there isn't much chance that you'll get the job. No one wants to hire a woman that will be leaving within the new couple of months to have and raise a baby.
Though a real life changing something occured when I was put into the hospital under the pre-tense of false labor. I thought I was going to give birth to my son way too early, and with he thought if him actually dying because of it I was heart broken. That was when the flip came on. It was that day that I became a mom, and not just a lady who was pregnant. I quit smoking, I started taking better care of myself, and I started emotionally and mentally preparing myself for the things to come.
October 21st couldn't have get here soon enough.
