Under Pressure.

37 weeks man...

Okay, I know how slackerish of me? It's been awhile since I've written but I just haven't had the desire to sit and write about my life. Why? Because I've sat back and noticed just how ass-numbingly dull it happens to be. BUT GUESS WHAT? .... that's right, you guessed it! I'm still pregnant. :0

So at 34 weeks (which seems like forever ago) I had my baby shower. That, was amazing. I got to see so many people that I hadn't seen in so long, it was nice. And everyone that was there was just so... nice. It was kind of strange to actually enjoy an event that was centered around me, and the baby. But I think the baby part was got me through it without ripping my hair out. Because, you know, everyone knows just how much I love attention.

But the baby shower really helped a few things sink in. Like, oh I don't know, in less than a month now I'm going to be a mom. I got his stuff all set up, all of his clothes are washed, his beds all ready to go... every morning I wake up and look around and know that I just have to WAIT for the baby to fill all of this stuff to get here! And even though he's a little punk and likes to tease me and make me think he's showing up, he's taking his sweet little time coming around.

I think everyone in my house is ready for him to show up now, though. I know my mom is super excited, and even my dad walks around talking about it sometimes. That, and they both monitor my movements with precision. Kind of like walking on egg shells. I'm surprised that I'm allowed to do half the things that I do do. Then again it's not much. I can't go to work with my dad. No work of any kind that would be too hard. I can't even go for walks anymore because of the labor scare I had last time I did it. So I just sit... at home... watching Wife Swap. :)

Though things aren't all that peachy either. I'm starting to get anxious and worried about being a mom. The actual labor idea is starting to scare me. Especially since I'm doin' at all natural like my ancestors! That on top of family drama... gosh it's gettin' tough. I don't think there has been one night that has gone by that I haven't cried, and not just because of hormones either. My little brother has been weighing heavily on my mind lately... I just wish that he was around more. That and I just worry about my parents too. Theres nothing wrong with them but I don't know, I've been feeling exceptionally needy these past few weeks... like it depressed me even when they leave the house.

And did I mention that Connors father is coming to town!?

October, you're bound to be a month to remember. That's for sure.

So I thought about some stuff today...

It's weird how when I get some time to myself that I just sit there and think about everything. Life, Love, the pursuit of happiness... sometimes it's just a little overwhelming. But today I really thought about a baby aspect of my life, and it brought a real tear to my eye.

This Christmas, I'm going to be a mom. I will have a two month old son that will enjoy his first Christmas with me... and it made me cry. It wasn't because I was sad, it wasn't because it was a depressing thought. I was happy, so happy that the only way I knew how to express was through tears.

See, I missed Christmas last year. I thought I was going to be happy about it because I've never been a Christmas person. I always dreaded the idea of the decorations, and the cheap thoughts with gifts... and this last year when I found myself taking care of everyone else, when I found myself making sure that everyone else had a merry Christmas... I missed the Christmas I used to dread.

I missed decorating the house with my mom, I missed sitting around the table having dinner with my family, I missed all the madness in the morning when everyone woke up to Christmas presents, I missed the magic of it all because it was taken away from me last year. I was emotionally alone, I had no one to sit there and make me want to enjoy it. I cried all last Christmas because I felt so empty and I couldn't even talk to my parents because my phone was broke.

And this year it's going to be so different. It'll be like my first Christmas all over again... I'll be sharing a first with my son and I'm looking forward to it. He might not be old enough to understand what's really going on around him, but I will. And I'll have my camera armed and ready to share in the joy that this Christmas is going to bring...

I'm so ready to be his mom, and today proved it. I'm ready for it all, alone or not. I'm ready to take care of him, to nurture him, to give him the best life I can. I'm ready to meet him, and know what it feels like to truly love someone. That alone is what's going to get me through the rest of my life.