It's weird how when I get some time to myself that I just sit there and think about everything. Life, Love, the pursuit of happiness... sometimes it's just a little overwhelming. But today I really thought about a baby aspect of my life, and it brought a real tear to my eye.
This Christmas, I'm going to be a mom. I will have a two month old son that will enjoy his first Christmas with me... and it made me cry. It wasn't because I was sad, it wasn't because it was a depressing thought. I was happy, so happy that the only way I knew how to express was through tears.
See, I missed Christmas last year. I thought I was going to be happy about it because I've never been a Christmas person. I always dreaded the idea of the decorations, and the cheap thoughts with gifts... and this last year when I found myself taking care of everyone else, when I found myself making sure that everyone else had a merry Christmas... I missed the Christmas I used to dread.
I missed decorating the house with my mom, I missed sitting around the table having dinner with my family, I missed all the madness in the morning when everyone woke up to Christmas presents, I missed the magic of it all because it was taken away from me last year. I was emotionally alone, I had no one to sit there and make me want to enjoy it. I cried all last Christmas because I felt so empty and I couldn't even talk to my parents because my phone was broke.
And this year it's going to be so different. It'll be like my first Christmas all over again... I'll be sharing a first with my son and I'm looking forward to it. He might not be old enough to understand what's really going on around him, but I will. And I'll have my camera armed and ready to share in the joy that this Christmas is going to bring...
I'm so ready to be his mom, and today proved it. I'm ready for it all, alone or not. I'm ready to take care of him, to nurture him, to give him the best life I can. I'm ready to meet him, and know what it feels like to truly love someone. That alone is what's going to get me through the rest of my life.
This Christmas, I'm going to be a mom. I will have a two month old son that will enjoy his first Christmas with me... and it made me cry. It wasn't because I was sad, it wasn't because it was a depressing thought. I was happy, so happy that the only way I knew how to express was through tears.
See, I missed Christmas last year. I thought I was going to be happy about it because I've never been a Christmas person. I always dreaded the idea of the decorations, and the cheap thoughts with gifts... and this last year when I found myself taking care of everyone else, when I found myself making sure that everyone else had a merry Christmas... I missed the Christmas I used to dread.
I missed decorating the house with my mom, I missed sitting around the table having dinner with my family, I missed all the madness in the morning when everyone woke up to Christmas presents, I missed the magic of it all because it was taken away from me last year. I was emotionally alone, I had no one to sit there and make me want to enjoy it. I cried all last Christmas because I felt so empty and I couldn't even talk to my parents because my phone was broke.
And this year it's going to be so different. It'll be like my first Christmas all over again... I'll be sharing a first with my son and I'm looking forward to it. He might not be old enough to understand what's really going on around him, but I will. And I'll have my camera armed and ready to share in the joy that this Christmas is going to bring...
I'm so ready to be his mom, and today proved it. I'm ready for it all, alone or not. I'm ready to take care of him, to nurture him, to give him the best life I can. I'm ready to meet him, and know what it feels like to truly love someone. That alone is what's going to get me through the rest of my life.
I hear christmas is always better when you have kids...or if you are a kid!
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