Almost a month...

Since I updated. Jeeze, I've been a slacking mc.Slacker! Sorry 'bout that. Just been kind busy, ya know doing the mommy thing. Which, I love by the way! Squeaker is 1 month, 1 week old. It's CRAZY. And in such a little amount of time he's already changed so much. And he just... amazes me every single day. I swear, not a day goes by that I don't cry over something new that he does. We're sleeping through the night now, which is just... awesome. I love being able to sleep AND enjoy my baby when I wake up. The first couple weeks were rough with sleeping. I actually had to have him sleep with me just so he'd get enough of it at night. But now, he greatly enjoys his bed, and we sleep all night long! I've got no complaints at all on the mommy front. I mean, it kinda sucks that I'm on my own with it. I wish I had SOME help from you know who, but I figure that's never going happen... But that's alright. I got this mommy thing down, man!

Now, speaking of you know who. I don't really know WHO I told about his dad calling me about 4 days after Connor was born. Talk about awkward. Yes, you read right. It was a phone call from his DAD, not him.

Anyways, he wanted my address and he wants me to send pictures and all this stuff. Him and his wife want to come see Connor and I'm like.... Uh... I told them they could. It's the nice thing to do. I'm not really comfortable with the idea, especially since I don't think Chucks Dad and I exactly "clicked," at the beginning of everything.

Got a myspace message from his sister too. One that royally pissed me off. Apparently, Chucks family was under the impression that Connor wasn't his. AWESOME RIGHT!!? So now, not only am I bitch I'm also a whore. Which just proves that no one in that God damn place knew a single thing about me. If they did, then they would have known that a WHORE is the last thing on everyones mind when they used to think of me.

Though I'm sure opinions have changed. You know, being a single mom and all. And I'm sure the idiots that live up there still have some nice things to say about me.

Well, that's them :)

ANYWAYS! ONTO LIGHTER NEWS!!

Christmas is coming up and in honor of Connors one month birthday, we got some seasonal photos done! I was so excited, and they came out awesome. I love taking pictures with my baby boy. It makes me so excited, because I'll look back on them when he's older and remember just how much of a Mommas boy he was!

And let me tell you, when it comes to Momma, that little boy is in love. :D I LOOOOOVE being loved so much by one person. And I know it's love, and not just food. He's a mommas boy, and I'm diggin' the hell out of it!

---

I've got the flu from hell, and I've been doing my best not to give it to Connor. So far, so good but I don't know how long it's going to last. Seeing as my dad, my big sister, and I all have it. And Connor kinda lives under the same roof.

Well... I think that's it. Not a whole lot as happened expect for the fact that Connor now smiles when he's not sleeping. You know, you smile at him long enough then he smiles back. It's super cute. He can also hold his own bottle. Which scares the crap out of me cause he's just barely a month old. Soon he's gonna be talking, I can feel it! He does it all the time now! I mean, they're not words.... but he's a chatter box.

But that's all from this mommy. I've gotta do load up on some good drugs and get my butt some sleep so I can take care of the runt when he wakes up. :)

Bliss;

It's amazing, I never knew that I could love one soul so much in my life. I never knew that my life would feel so complete once he got here, and I wouldn't change him for anything in the world. He's everything that I've ever wanted and so much more!

I never knew that I would have found prince charming, the day I gave birth to him! Just looking into his eyes helps me know that life is going to be so wonderful now that he's around. It's weird, he's only been here a week ( well, I little over that) and it doesn't even feel like it! It feels like he's been around for years! It feels like we've known each other forever!

Though I can't lie, I worry about every little thing that happens to him. Jaundice was a big one! Scared the living crap out of me, I had no idea what to do. I'm always on the phone with the doctor about little things... it's to the point now every time I talk to him he's telling me to just chill and stop worrying so much because I have birth to a healthy baby boy. There's nothing wrong with him. Though the words are comforting, it doesn't really mean that I won't sit there and worry. He's got such personality, though, it's amazing. He knows what he wants when he wants, and he wants it now! But he doesn't cry, he doesn't scream... he'll fuss when he's hungry, or needs a diaper change but that's about it. He sleeps through the night with little interruptions. I swear I gave birth to the perfect little boy.

I'm loving being a mom... I wouldn't change this feeling, and I wouldn't give it up for a damn thing. I quit smoking :) I don't even know HOW but once I got home, I looked at him and when I felt like I wanted a cigarette I talked myself out of it, because it was time that I wasn't going to be spending with him. And since then, I've yet to smoke. I'm very proud of myself! Because yeah, I had a few slip ups when I was pregnant. I got lucky when he came out alright.

I look forward to our many more weeks to come. I love my Squeaker!!

My Labor Story <3

I have to start off with the fact that labor was nothing that I expected. I had expected it to be a lot worse than it was, and though I think I won't be doing it again for a very long time, I know that it was totally worth it and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

My last doctors appointment was at 9:45 AM Tuesday, October 13th. It was pretty much the same as it had been. The doctor said that this baby was ready to come out! The sad part about it though, was the fact that he had slapped a 48 hour eviction notice on my uterus and told me that if he wasn't here by the 16th, I was going to be induced. Sad news for me, but I naturally just took his word that it would be for the best. But there was something about the cervix check this week. It HURT when he checked my cervix. I was really uncomfortable for the first time and I didn't really understand it.

Well, I went home and sat on some pain throughout the whole day until about around 6 PM-ish. It was around then that I just didn't feel right with the pain and told my parents that I thought it was time to head off to labor and delivery. When I got there, I had a sad feeling through. I was almost positive that they were going to tell me to just go home and sleep it off, that he wasn't coming that night and that I had to wait it out. Well, I was WRONG! I wasn't in triage but 20 minuets and they transferred me to a labor room. I was 4 CM dilated and I was in it for the long run now!

I had planned on not having an epidural when I gave birth to my son. It was just something that I wanted to do, and the nurses all thought I was crazy! I was the only one on the ward that night that said that she didn't want one and begged them not to offer it once the going got tough. But for a few hours I stuck it out and I was doing just fine. I had my parents there, and my best friend Katie. All of which were really helpful with everything. Everyone was making sure I was doing my breathing and that when the pain came around I handled it as best I could.

Around one or two AM, though, I had gotten really tired but there was no way I was going to get to sleep. I was dilated to a six, and boy was I having trouble with the breathing thing. The nurse had said she could give me something to "take the edge off" and give me a couple hours worth of sleep. She said I was going to need it, and my mom was backing her up one hundred percent. (And since my mom had done the natural childbirth thing 5 times, I took her word for it.) Though I quickly learned that was a mistake because when I woke up after two hours of sleep, the pain was worse and I hadn't dilated at all. A crushing blow to me.

I stayed at 5-6 for a good three hours before anything happened. Then I had asked to get up and walk around. I couldn't handle laying in the bed anymore. It was just too painful. So I went for a little walk, and when I came back we did a cervix check and I was dilated to a 7! And when my nurse did my cervix check, my water broke and it was downhill from there. Once my water had broke my contractions were one right on top of the other. I was screaming out in pain, and begging everyone around me to make it stop. I didn't want to be there anymore, I just wanted to quit. But my parents were troopers and didn't let me.

Though I won't lie, I caved and I asked for the epidural. I begged for it! I didn't want to feel the pain anymore, and I was exhausted as it was. The nurse told me she could have it up and running within half and hour to forty-five minuets and I told her that was fine. I could stick it out for one more hour! Though I started to get mad at myself, because I knew that I would get that epidural and then only be in labor for two more hours... Well my son made the choice for me. He was coming drug free, and there was nothing that was gonna stop him.

Before I knew it was I was dilated to nine and I needed to push. I was begging for them to let me push and we got the ball rolling then! The doctor wasn't there yet, but I knew what my body wanted to do and we needed to get it done. So I pushed for about an hour, and my sons head did NOT want to come under that bone. He didn't want to move. So, I got up on my feet and for about five to six contractions I did squats and rocked side to side on my feet which was really helpful because he moved on down. He was coming!

And after about another hour of pushing, screaming, and wanting for it all to be over with it was the final countdown! The doctor had showed up right on time, and told me that there was a good chance I would tear. I told him to just do whatever he needed, I wanted that baby out and I wanted him out now! So once the episiotomy was said and done with I only had to push for about 10 more minuets and my little boy was here! Sadly, he didn't come out screaming. There had been problems with dips in his heartbeat through out the last half of the labor process and come to find out it was because the chord was wrapped around his neck twice. I waited to hear the screams of a healthy baby and when I didn't I started crying...

Though the doctor got him all fixed up and before long his cried filled the entire labor room. He was here, and I couldn't think of anything other than the fact that I had given birth to my son. The little boy I had waited 9 months of pregnancy, and 19 hours of labor to meet was finally here. It was the greatest feeling in the world.

So :) At 12:18 PM October 14th, 2009 I welcomed the 7lb 8oz baby boy I named Connor William Bishop into the world. He's my everything, and I wouldn't change a single thing about that day. It was the best day of my life <3

10 days!

10 days until my estimated due date... and let me tell ya I never knew that I could feel so many different things at once.

I'm scared. Not of labor or anything like that, just the actual being a mom thing. I mean, I know it's going to change my life and stuff. Changes I'm more than willing to accept but it's like... right now I can barely remember to take my pills every day... and soon theres going to be a living, breathing, human being on my watch twenty-four seven... I'm scared that I won't adjust right, or that I'll mess up. Two things I REALLY don't want to do.

I'm anxious. For most of the same reasons, that I'm scared there might be something wrong with him. I mean the doc says that everything is fine and well! He's cookin' away and doing a damn good job but theres a lot of things that can happen once labor starts and once it's over... it's uh, kinda scary :(

I'm excited! MY little boy is gonna be here... ALL MINE. He's something that I've always wanted and pretty soon I'm gonna be holding him in my arms, and I'm never gonna want to let him go. I'm not gonna want anything to come between the two of us. This little guy that grew inside ME. That depends on ME. That I love with all my heart and soul... It excites me to no end.

Sadly though, I've also been feeling really forgetful! I feel like theres something that I haven't done. Something BIG. I mean, I've got everything put together. Crib, bassinet, car seat, all the clothes are washed, all the blankets are ready to go, the bags are packed... what could possibly be left!? I've got no idea but I feel like I'm gonna go into labor and remember. That idea sucks mucho, and I know it's so much bigger than making sure I pack my tooth brush before I head down to labor and delivery.

10 more days, and I can't wait... my dads convinced I'm gonna be late. It would make sense, I've never really been on time in life, why should my son? :)

Ain't that nice?

Sittin' on 38 weeks pregnant these days, and oh what a lovely start to my day.

I get a phone call from Cassie, a girl who USED to be a roommate of mine. A girl who befriended Connors dad and accepted him as family. A girl I quit calling my friend so SOON AS SHE FUCKED CHUCK. (She probably doesn't remember that.) Well she decided to call me today, and YELL AT ME. For being the person that I am.

Oh, I'm such a bad person for taking Connor away from him.
I'm such a bad person for not letting him be part of MY SONS life.

Hmm... can we do a six month re-cap on this one?

Has Chuck sent any money for his son? Uhm, no!
Has Chuck bought anything for his son? Nah, that's another no.
Does Chuck go to doctors appointments? How about ultrasounds? DOES HE EVEN LIVE IN THE SAME FUCKING STATE?!

THATS RIGHT. I didn't. Fucking. Think. SO!

Honestly, the closest thing that Connor has to a dad, that actually cares and pays attention is KATIE! The girl that's sat there and held my hand in the hospital. That's sat there and let me cry on her shoulder when the stupid fuck wanted to play his mental mind fuck games! The person that listened to the babys heart beat, that was there for the first ultrasound, and has provided MORE FOR CONNOR than Chuck has even THOUGHT of doing.

And I'm the bad person?

This little CUNT thinks it's a GREAT IDEA to start my day off the gospel way and preach at me for shit shes got no fucking idea about. Things that she doesn't even know what she's talking about!

"Honestly, I've kept my mouth shut long enough but I'm tired of letting you be such a vindictive bitch!" [end quote]

HAHAHAHAHAAHHA!!! Too bad your mouth is the only thing you keep shut.

OH! And guess what! This tale gets better!

Because guess who also has a say? Christine. Yes, that's right. Because shes got to play a part in it too because she's never been one to keep her nose in her own God Damn business.

"A. I'm pregnant too, so yelling at me - not such a good idea." [end quote]

Oh whoop-dee-fucking-do for you! You're having two little bastards just like me. FUNNY THING. Uhm, didn't you get ditched on by the dad too!? But you know, that just GIVES YOU the right to sit there and tell me that "DNA" matters. Listen up fuck tards, heres a little piece of wisdom should you EVER decide to knock someone up:

THE ONLY TIME DNA COUNTS is when money is involved. You don't want money, then DNA don't mean SHIT.

The only thing that MATTERS is what's on paper. That shit ain't legit? Then guess what!? You're nothing but an idiot with a big fucking mouth.

But you know she had the balls to sit there and tell me I wasn't being fair. That Connor is HIS SON TOO. Really? Could have fuckin' fooled me. From what I can tell everyone thinks I'm a lesbian surrogate for my partner because it's Katie and my mother that's been there for me.

REAL MEN DON'T LEAVE.
REAL MEN DON'T QUIT.

Any dog can BREED. It takes a REAL MAN to be a FATHER.

I know what I'm doing, and the things I plan on doing are what's good for me and my son. What MY son and *I* do is NO ONES business but MINE.

Fucking cunt bags and their big ass mouths. Do something useful and live your own God Damn lives. Stop fucking up everyone elses.

And just in CASE someone thinks that the sperm donor can come in here and TRY oh so hard to even get VISITATION RIGHTS to see Connor, heres some facts for you:

The ONLY WAY Chuck will get ANY RIGHTS of ANY KIND to see MY SON he has to come to California, petition me for a paternity test (which I have EVERY RIGHT to decline), should I choose to accept it he has the pay the $300.00 to have it done. And at that point we'll go into a custody battle, and the only one in this relationship that's kept a LEGAL job, kept a SECURE home, and PAID for the childs expenses is ME. So even if it DOES go to court, the only thing he'll get is having to pay CHILD SUPPORT. And should he not do that, he'll loose his license among other things.

If you ask me, sounds like a hell of a lot of work that ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. Because even if he pulls the money out of his ass to TRY and prove paternity guess who has to give permission? That's right. ME!! And until Connor is 18, it's still my choice!

So, dear Chuck and Cunts: Kindly FUCK OFF.

-- End.

Under Pressure.

37 weeks man...

Okay, I know how slackerish of me? It's been awhile since I've written but I just haven't had the desire to sit and write about my life. Why? Because I've sat back and noticed just how ass-numbingly dull it happens to be. BUT GUESS WHAT? .... that's right, you guessed it! I'm still pregnant. :0

So at 34 weeks (which seems like forever ago) I had my baby shower. That, was amazing. I got to see so many people that I hadn't seen in so long, it was nice. And everyone that was there was just so... nice. It was kind of strange to actually enjoy an event that was centered around me, and the baby. But I think the baby part was got me through it without ripping my hair out. Because, you know, everyone knows just how much I love attention.

But the baby shower really helped a few things sink in. Like, oh I don't know, in less than a month now I'm going to be a mom. I got his stuff all set up, all of his clothes are washed, his beds all ready to go... every morning I wake up and look around and know that I just have to WAIT for the baby to fill all of this stuff to get here! And even though he's a little punk and likes to tease me and make me think he's showing up, he's taking his sweet little time coming around.

I think everyone in my house is ready for him to show up now, though. I know my mom is super excited, and even my dad walks around talking about it sometimes. That, and they both monitor my movements with precision. Kind of like walking on egg shells. I'm surprised that I'm allowed to do half the things that I do do. Then again it's not much. I can't go to work with my dad. No work of any kind that would be too hard. I can't even go for walks anymore because of the labor scare I had last time I did it. So I just sit... at home... watching Wife Swap. :)

Though things aren't all that peachy either. I'm starting to get anxious and worried about being a mom. The actual labor idea is starting to scare me. Especially since I'm doin' at all natural like my ancestors! That on top of family drama... gosh it's gettin' tough. I don't think there has been one night that has gone by that I haven't cried, and not just because of hormones either. My little brother has been weighing heavily on my mind lately... I just wish that he was around more. That and I just worry about my parents too. Theres nothing wrong with them but I don't know, I've been feeling exceptionally needy these past few weeks... like it depressed me even when they leave the house.

And did I mention that Connors father is coming to town!?

October, you're bound to be a month to remember. That's for sure.

So I thought about some stuff today...

It's weird how when I get some time to myself that I just sit there and think about everything. Life, Love, the pursuit of happiness... sometimes it's just a little overwhelming. But today I really thought about a baby aspect of my life, and it brought a real tear to my eye.

This Christmas, I'm going to be a mom. I will have a two month old son that will enjoy his first Christmas with me... and it made me cry. It wasn't because I was sad, it wasn't because it was a depressing thought. I was happy, so happy that the only way I knew how to express was through tears.

See, I missed Christmas last year. I thought I was going to be happy about it because I've never been a Christmas person. I always dreaded the idea of the decorations, and the cheap thoughts with gifts... and this last year when I found myself taking care of everyone else, when I found myself making sure that everyone else had a merry Christmas... I missed the Christmas I used to dread.

I missed decorating the house with my mom, I missed sitting around the table having dinner with my family, I missed all the madness in the morning when everyone woke up to Christmas presents, I missed the magic of it all because it was taken away from me last year. I was emotionally alone, I had no one to sit there and make me want to enjoy it. I cried all last Christmas because I felt so empty and I couldn't even talk to my parents because my phone was broke.

And this year it's going to be so different. It'll be like my first Christmas all over again... I'll be sharing a first with my son and I'm looking forward to it. He might not be old enough to understand what's really going on around him, but I will. And I'll have my camera armed and ready to share in the joy that this Christmas is going to bring...

I'm so ready to be his mom, and today proved it. I'm ready for it all, alone or not. I'm ready to take care of him, to nurture him, to give him the best life I can. I'm ready to meet him, and know what it feels like to truly love someone. That alone is what's going to get me through the rest of my life.